Category Archives: Change

The End of an Era (At Least for Me)

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Photo by alexandre saraiva carniato on Pexels.com

It sounds somewhat egocentric to talk about a time in my life as an “era” but other words do not seem to adequately describe my relationship with road cycling. I could call my passion for riding a “phase” or a “stage”. But those terms seem to trivialize the experience that became so prominent during my empty-nesting years. The pull of the road reached out and called me to put myself into situations that were more dangerous (and simultaneously thrilling) than my conservative nature could have planned. I am not sure I can pinpoint why it became important, just that it did. And it is time to leave it behind.

Perhaps it is because my passion for it did not come until mid-life (it did not come until I was in my early fifties). Or possibly it was because of the beauty of our southern Indiana backroads system and easy access to quiet, peaceful rides that could show the beauty of a warm summer day. Maybe it was the outlet provided after long days in the office giving me both a mental and physical respite. Whatever the reason for developing the love of the sport, it has become obvious that the time has come to give it up. And that decision has come with all of the normal responses to grieving a loss.

I started riding as part of recovery from a broken leg and complications that came after surgeries to repair the injury. In a shift to non-weight bearing exercises (I don’t swim well) I picked cycling as something to try. I quickly went from a hybrid bike and riding around the neighborhood to finding a carbon fiber (extremely lightweight) bike with all of the gadgets and technology that allowed me t throw myself into the sport as fully as time allowed. I had the GPS monitors that tracked my mapping, calories, cadence, power output, and much more. I would put the data into apps and track training. I bought one of the early Tour de France indoor training bikes to give me something to do during cold-weather or rainy times. I was “all in”.

Cycling also offered the opportunity to ride socially as well as on my own. Riding with friends became part of a weekly routine that would see us riding 20-25 miles once or twice during the week and then 40-50 miles on weekends. The miles added up and the addiction to the road pulled us in. I would take my bike with me every time we traveled. Some of the riskiest decisions I have made have involved heading out by myself on my bike through unfamiliar roads and traffic patterns. Whether it was an urban ride through Louisville, a mountain ride through West Virginia, a beach ride through Florida, or scenic rides through Traverse City or Savannah, I was ready to go wherever the road led me.

Over the past few years, the cycling landscape has been changing. There have been external factors that have become alarming while at the same time, I have seen some physical changes that have made me less comfortable while riding. Distracted drivers have always been concerning. While states have laws protecting cyclists, those laws don’t do you any good when a 4000 pound car contacts a 200 pound bike. While the laws of the states provide protection the laws of physics do not. The number of times I have barely missed contact with extended truck mirrors is difficult to track. Car drivers on phones, cyclists playing music (instead of listening for cars), and road debris in safety lanes are just a few of the issues that have worsened over the past few years.

Getting older has not helped. Reaction times are slowing. Hearing, which is vital to cycling safety, has been decreasing. Dog chases have become more common (yes, I have been taken down by a large dog and chased by many). With the placement of a pacemaker a couple of years ago, I had already gotten to the point that I would not go out alone. Now, with a new-onset seizure disorder I have doctor (and common sense) directives to avoid outdoor cycling. After thirteen years of a hobby that I passionately pursued I am at the point of quitting.

The good news for me is that over the past couple of years, I have found a replacement. I have been using Peloton classes as a substitute and find that, while not quite as enveloping, the experience is close and getting better. I can pivot to becoming an indoor cyclist and still get good workouts in a much safer environment. But I don’t get the experience of walking into a coffee bar in the cool biker get-up of shorts, jerseys, and those “oh so comfortable” shoes. Maybe sparing others that visual is the greatest benefit of it all.

Here we go again…

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I shouldn’t complain. I am 63 years old and have been remarkably healthy and active throughout my life. Beyond occasional migraines, I was healthy for years and took some pride in filling out medical history forms that were mostly blank. Until breaking my leg at age fifty, I really had no trauma or significant surgery that I had to list. But then a couple of years ago, I awakened with a seizure and was found to have episodes of profound low heart rate that subsequently required a pacemaker placement. Test after test revealed no significant abnormality other than the low heart rate. And we thought we had that fixed.

That is, until last week. Evidently (I have no recollection), I had another seizure in my sleep. Gena called EMS and I was taken to the local hospital (in Maryland) where I had another witnessed seizure in the emergency department. After CT’s, MRI’s, EEG’s, and neurology evaluations we didn’t really find anything. Well, maybe a tiny stroke deep in the midbrain, but it hasn’t changed since an MRI in 2021. None of the common reasons for new-onset seizures were found. In medicine we call this an idiopathic seizure disorder. No known cause, just things to watch for and treatment recommendations.

I haven’t had any more seizure activity since that morning. I am diligently taking my medications every 12 hours despite nausea and a somewhat “goofy” feeling that comes with it. I’m sure I’ll hear that the “goofiness” has been present for quite some time but will let the dad jokes slide for now. Physically, I am back to riding my Peloton and trying to build my strength back up. It is amazing how quickly the endurance drops off with missing a week of exercise. I have had wonderful support from family and friends through messaging and calls. It hasn’t hurt that we are seeing the grandsons on most days and they tend to improve my spirits.

What I didn’t count on was the emotional burden this would bring. I’ll be able to get around not being able to drive. I have recently retired friends and Gena to be sure I get where I need to be. I don’t really have many places to go and can limit my schedule quite a bit. Gena reminds me that if Mickey Haller (the Lincoln Lawyer) can do it, so can I. Getting around isn’t the issue as much as the realization that I have a couple of chronic illnesses. For years, taking care of patients with heart issues or seizure disorders was straight-forward with an evidence-based treatment plan. I didn’t spend as much time thinking through the lifestyle changes each one of these issues brought on.

Hopefully I will use this time to reflect and refocus my goals and priorities. I will try to enjoy the time with friends and family as well as work on reading and creating more than consuming knowledge. I appreciate all of the prayers and asked for continued prayer and support for Gena. I suspect I will begin to drive her crazy fairly quickly.

Young Dogs and Old Dogs

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We have a dog. Bella is a mostly-lab mix with a soft, furry coat that sheds too much. She’s getting up in years and is almost twelve years old by our estimates (since she was a rescue, we are not exactly sure). She has trouble with stairs and likes to sleep in the warm sunlight that comes through our front door. She is trained to our underground fence that forms a perimeter around our home. She has done so well with her boundaries that most of the time she does not even wear her collar and stays in our yard. Since the kids left for college, she has had the house to herself and pretty much does what she wants, which is mostly sleep. She gets all of the attention she wants and then curls up either in the sunlight or in her bed. She is comfortable in where she is and what her role is in our family.

Recently, upon graduating college and taking a job in our home town, our son moved into our basement apartment and brought with him his dog. Bernie is mostly boxer with a little pit-bull mix. He is young (two-to-three-years old), muscular, lean, and energetic. He is also verbal and jealous, whining and barking when we pay attention to Bella. Bernie is not yet trained to the underground fence and needs to be walked on a leash frequently. Since I am usually up well before anyone else, I get to put on my coat at 5 am and take him out while Bella goes along with us, taking her own path and meandering around the lawn.

The young dog, much like a young, inexperienced leader, is excited and ready to take off, exploring his surroundings. He wants to pull on the leash, sometimes puling the handler with him into places the handler usually doesn’t venture. The handler has to make decisions about how far to let the young dog stray before pulling the leash back. He doesn’t need to have his spirit completely broken, but needs to realize there are boundaries that are there for a reason. In the meantime, the old dog slowly wanders around the area where she is comfortable, taking care of business and ready to get back to the warmth of her bed. She is complacent. She has explored before and decided the effort is not worth the energy required to go beyond the boundaries.

This morning, while going through our routines, I noticed something that made me think of what I must look like to my co-workers. Venturing into the world of healthcare administration and physician leadership, I find myself excited and ready to take on challenges. I am ready to jump into almost any project and offer an opinion. I am pulling hard on the leash, trying to explore and make my mark, much like the young dog wanting to see his world from a new perspective. But what about the dog that has lived in this house for several years? What about the old dog that knows the sound of the mail truck that comes by daily? Or the sound of the neighbor’s car as it slows to enter their driveway? The old dog doesn’t bark at every little noise. She’s heard them before. She knows which ones need responses and which ones do not. The young dog needs to learn from her.

The young dog requires attention of his handler. He requires work and energy to be sure he knows the boundaries and limits set by authority. Despite the energy and enthusiasm, he has to learn that it needs to be spent moving in the direction that the handler wants and at the pace the old dog can handle without breaking down. Slowly, the young dog is adapting to the pace and environment of the old dog. As he brings new enthusiasm and vigor to the home, he does so with some disruption. The old dog wants attention, but the young dog is jealous when the handler gives it. The old dog pitifully looks on when the handler gives attention to the young dog. The handler has to know when and how much attention to give each one.

I hope I can quickly mature from the “young dog” approach to a more mature “old dog” status without losing too much energy and enthusiasm. I want to respond to my mentors (I don’t want to call them “handlers”) and test the boundaries without creating too much chaos. I also want to learn to seek opportunities to bask in the warm sunshine of successes as the “home” environment is bettered. I guess I just want to be an old dog, but with a few new tricks.

Change is Coming

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For those who know me best, you understand that I am a creature of habit. I get up at 4:45 am, have coffee, read, study, get ready for work, make rounds, go to the office, come home, eat, exercise, watch a little TV, sleep and repeat the cycle. Even on vacation, I get up early. Don’t mess with my mornings.
Junior High swim practice has humbled me. Having to drive Colin to the YMCA at 5:45 completely messes up my schedule. So….. I’m trying something new. I’m trying to run in the mornings.
This may not seem like much to most people, but to me this is a big deal. It’s like learning to drive on the left side of the road. Or maybe like throwing a ball with my left hand. Or secretly hoping (gulp!) Kentucky wins its next basketball game. All of these go against my grain.
But I’m sure that God has something planned for me. I just don’t know what it is. I hope that it is one way to help me focus on balancing my life. I tend to get a little skewed, focusing on one aspect or another, sometimes neglecting things that should share equal priority. 
I ran this morning, listening to Kay Arthur. I felt good all day. I finished my Bible study tonight. I even had time left to type on my Blog. Maybe this will work out after all.